05 Nov
2015

Kirsten Campbell

By

For me, James Bond will always be Pierce Brosnan.  When they were choosing a new Bond, I still 100% believe that Clive Owen was ROBBED of the 007 title and Daniel Craig is still and will forever be unworthy. There, I said it (are we fighting now?).  Clive Owen’s BMW films, especially the brilliant one with Madonna were essentially his audition tapes (tell me these aren’t gold!). He was charismatic, sassy, charming and had the overall suaveness that’s critical to Bond.  Daniel Craig comes off as none of those things – instead he seems surly, cold and looks like your aunt’s boyfriend who wordlessly stares at you across the Thanksgiving dinner table while handing you peas.  I’ll pass on the peas and you, Daniel Craig.

 

With the upcoming James Bond film 007 Spectre, it only seemed fitting to try his new mobile game.  The movie is being panned in the UK so I hope that the game is better than the film.  Suit up!

James Bond: World of Espionage iOS or Android

This game started off on a very high note because it loaded quickly and effortlessly.  The iconic James Bond music started up right away and it was glorious.  Ralph Fiennes appeared on the screen to give me my mission and then I got to pick another agent to work with.  The main action was very simple and I felt like my hand was being held throughout the whole mission.  As a non-gamer I appreciate a little hand holding but my gosh this was nuts.  The whole screen was essentially grayed out except for the button that you were supposed to press.  With no user control it took a lot of the challenge out of the game and left me thinking “that’s it?” which is probably what most Bond girls think after dealing with James Bond anyways.  On the topic of the girls, a certain look is expected but they were stereotypically scantily clad and quite porny.  Felt very cheap but it’s also clear what demographic Glu Games is chasing and I’m not it.  However, I did enjoy that I could send taunting messages to my opponents when I won, but that wasn’t enough to make up for the whole game being rather soulless.  

Maturity, thy name is Kirsten

Maturity, thy name is Kirsten

 

Bond has some of the best gadgets of any movie franchise and none of them seemed to be involved in the game.  The Aston Martin’s that have been used are stunning and didn’t even make an appearance.  Every James Bond movie has a car chase and dramatic fight scene but this game neglected those fun features.  The UI was quite crowded that it borderlined confusing because there was so much to look at.  The in-app purchases were soooo freaking expensive!  Some purchases were upwards of $50!  That’s insane for a mobile game!  Those pirates at Glu Games were NOT getting my money.

 

At best the James Bond mobile game was underwhelming, at worst it was offensive.  No one is that dumb that they need user control to be so minimal that it’s comical.  Hansel and Gretel were laughing at the breadcrumbs this game left for users.  There were no car chases, detective work or even decisions to be made by the user in the game.  It now makes a lot more sense why this mobile game was quietly released and most people don’t know it exists.  

 

In order to cleanse my palette from the abysmal James Bond mobile game I decided to download a ‘suggested for you’ app that iTunes recommended because of my Bond download.  I chose the treasure “Sniper X with Jason Statham” because it couldn’t be worse than Bond.

Sniper X with Jason Statham iOS or Android

You guys, we are now living in a world where freaking Jason Statham has a better mobile game than James Bond.  Black is white, up is down! Let me have a peek outside to see if the world has ended…… Nope, we’re still here, so I’ll continue.

As soon as the game starts Jason’s totally cheesy narration made me laugh.  With his 294 Transporter movies it’s hard to take him seriously but his small role in this summer’s Melissa McCarthy movie “Spy” was pure gold because he made fun of himself relentlessly which is the fastest way to my heart.  The missions in the game are hilariously narrated in a really intense Jason Statham type way that will crack you up. I loved the simplicity of this game- it was a first person shooter that identified targets and was fast paced.  Also, since I was on Jason Statham’s team, it’s not surprising that I didn’t have to work too hard to win because I’m not a particularly great shot and I didn’t die once.  I leveled up in the first few minutes of playing which was great for my ego and moving the game along.  Since I got to blow up a tank and snipe people in the head, I thought this game was marvellous.  It was simple, fun and perfectly matched my expectations for what a sniper style game should be.  The Jason Statham game is the perfect blend of silly and fun but moves along fast enough to be engaging.  James Bond on the other hand was boring and didn’t meet expectations for a legendary franchise that prides itself on car chases, fight scenes and cool locations.  Point to Jason Statham (I can’t believe I just typed those words…)

Now the only thing I need is Jason Statham to narrate the minutia of my daily life.